Please, someone take these.
True story: someone once said to Steve Jobs, "here's a free idea: what about a huge iPhone?" And that's how the iPad was invented.*
1. A spider catcher so you can humanely remove a spider from your home and not kill it because deep down you aren't a monster.
2. Wireless earbuds.
3. A machine that covers almonds with leftover chocolate.
4. A bottle opener that is on your keychain but it opens the bottle in a cool way like it's a machete or something, mobile party trick.
5. An automatic paper dispenser that covers your kitchen table so when you are done eating you tear it off and it replaces the paper, like they have at doctors' offices.
6. A bot that tweets out "PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW" every time the Pew Research Center issues a new report.
7. A self-changing diaper for babies.
8. An app that tells you you don't have your sunglasses on your face when you're walking away.
9. Sunglasses rack so you never lose your fucking sunglasses.
10. An app that alerts you when you are holding that thing in your hand that you think you lost, or alternatively that it's on your head.
11. Bubble wrap that re-bubbles itself 5 minutes after you pop it for an endless popping experience.
Nathan Pyle / BuzzFeed
12.Shoes that make custom footstep sound effects when you jump. like you can turn them into clown footstep sounds.
13.Vegetables that taste like pizza.
14.Healthy liquor.
15.Disposable carbonators, like Sodastream but single-use, so you can carbonate your coffee for whatever reason and not worry about screwing up the Sodastream because who's never wanted to taste carbonated coffee?
16.Scent-detecting candles that light when they need to be lit, so if the dog farts the candle lights.
17.A device that when you get mail you drop it in and it will tear it up and scan it and then put it in your inbox.
18.A guy that follows you around and when someone you don't like is talking to you, you give the guy a nod and he starts doing fake karate moves at the person until they go away.
19.A person that follows you around and plays the appropriate soundtrack at the appropriate moment like in the movies.
20.An alarm in public bathrooms that goes off if someone tries to leave without washing their hands and shames them until they do wash their hands.
21.An electronic sign on bathroom doors at work that tells you how many people are currently in the bathroom so you can decide if you can poop or not.
22.That ultra-shredder from How I Met Your Mother.
23.A dustbuster but superpowered, that gets rid of literally anything like if there is a pizza slice on the ground bam it's gone, and then it disinfects the area with UV radiation. Because fuck you ants, you get nothing.
24.A robot that automatically shames your dog when you are potty training it and it goes in the house.